Miscarriage

On December 16, 2009 I had a miscarriage. I had known for a few weeks that I was pregnant, and I was soooo excited! I was incredibly upset when I lost my baby, no matter what people tried to say or do I just couldn't pull myself out of the depression I had fallen into. I felt selfish for keeping everyone else in a not so happy mood, so I kind of buried my pain and no longer allowed myself to deal with what I had gone through. Well, one of the ladies I babysit for had a baby on Thursday and it brought all those feelings back. I am supposed to be the one having a baby in 3 months. I had a due date! July 29th. I was supposed to be a mommy. And "spontaneously" I had lost my baby, making me feel like my dream of being a mommy was down the drain forever. I don't feel as though I can be happy if I do get pregnant again because I'll always be afraid that I will lose my baby again. I was talking with my husband about it last night, and I had an epiphany. I lost sooo much more than just a baby in December, I lost my faith in God, in my reason for living, and in my ability to make my husband happy. Why would God allow me to get pregnant then take my child away from me?! If I can't have children, what's the point in me being here?! If I can't bear children for my husband, why would he want to be married to me?! People tried to tell me maybe I wasn't ready to have children and that's why it happened. That's one of the reasons I began to lose my faith in God. If I wasn't ready, why would he allow me to get pregnant in the first place? There are so many girls and women that don't even want children and they still get to have children. Ryan (my husband) tried to point out that maybe it's to teach them a lesson the hard way, such as the unmarried teenagers that have children. But what about the women that are raped? Why would God let them become pregnant with their attackers child? If that woman chooses not to keep the child because they can't stand to be reminded, and they give the child up for adoption, where's the justice in that?! There are so many unclaimed children that don't get a chance until they're out of the system, and some are even so far gone and don't care anymore that they turn to drugs or something else that's not good for them because they don't know any better, and they may not make it back to the Celestial kingdom because God allowed a woman to become pregnant at a time that wasn't right for her with a child/spirit that she wasn't meant to keep. So how come someone like me, that wants sooo bad to have a child, can't keep her baby alive long enough to see what gender it would've been?! So you can't tell me it's because I wasn't ready for a child if other people we KNOW aren't ready for a baby get to have them. Even people that don't deserve them! Watching 16 and pregnant kills me! They don't understand that they are lucky enough to be responsible for a life other than their own! I feel as though if I'm not supposed to have my own children, what's the point? Why would God give me such a desire to get pregnant and go through that whole process, then torture me by not allowing me to do exactly that? I understand that with adoption you can feel the same love for that child as you would with a child that kicked your bladder for 9 months, but I want to be kicked in my bladder, and my ribs, and my stomach! I just don't want to feel resentment towards children I may adopt, because I had to settle for them and not someone made with MY love, and MY blood. (and my husband's of course) On the other hand though, I know that the children I may adopt are in my life for a reason. Just as my little brothers and sister were adopted...Caleb, Mya, Hayden, and Mikey. I've learned from all of them, and have been blessed to have them all in my life. So I know that adoption is a wonderful process, and I don't resent them for having been adopted, I just don't know if it will be different with it being my own adopted child. I also don't know for sure that I can't have children, 'cause plenty of women can have 1 or 2 miscarriages then have a healthy baby right after that, I just don't want to have to go through 13 miscarriages before I decide to adopt. I don't think I could handle it. I can't even handle this one. I know I need to start getting back into church to gain my faith back, it's just hard to do when I resent the very Man we go to church to worship. Call it blasphemy or whatever you want, we all handle things differently and my way is to blame the only One I can besides myself, 'cause if I blame myself I'll never get through this. I find it hard to pray because I'm afraid of the answer, and I'm also afraid there won't be an aswer. I want to get a blessing, but I know it works for those who have faith that their pain will be healed, and I don't know if I have enough faith. That's enough for now, sorry!