Deployment...

Oh my goodness I'm bad at this whole blogging thing! Well, Ryan has been gone for about 3 1/2 weeks now, and we're still alive =) He is in Afghanistan and is super hot! I got to talk (facebook chat) to him almost everyday the first week-2 weeks he was there, but now he's on a "mission" and we will have no contact as far as I know for the next 3 months. (except for snail mail) At first I was ok with him leaving, I knew when I married him that we'd have to do this one day. It's only recently started to hit me that he's really not coming back til almost Christmas. I haven't hugged anyone except a goodbye hug from Elder Yachuw in almost a month, and haven't gotten a kiss in almost a month, and haven't cuddled with anyone except my sweet baby and my puppy. I'm definitely starting to feel the effects! But I know this will go quicker than I think, especially since I'm going to CO soon and will be surrounded by family =)



Anywho, Vincent found his toes on May 22nd...I was changing his diaper (so I was practically shoving his toes in his face) and I hurried and took pictures in case he didn't do it again anytime soon...I didn't have to worry 'cause he won't stop playing with his toes! He is 4 months and a few days old, and he has his 4 month checkup on Monday...I'll try to update everyone on his weight and height after his appt!



I think that's really it for now, nothing has really happened aside from the toes and Ryan leaving for practically the rest of the year.

So...it's been awhile =) My sweet baby boy was blessed in church last Sunday, the 10th =) He was so good and quiet the whole time, I was so proud! I did a little tearing up during the blessing, hubby did a good job =) Vincent wore his dress blues, and daddy changed into his dress blues a little later so we could take some pictures of the matching father and son =)




Grandma Pat was able to come out for the blessing, and she helped out a bunch! She made us food, cleaned our apartment, and forced us to take some "us time" while she watched the baby =) We went to the beach (bad idea 'cause it was "cold" and windy, and the sand got freaking everywhere!), then we went to some military surplus stores so hubby could look around. When we got home grandma let me take a nice long shower to get the sand out of my hair and off my face =) Oh, and I fit in my old swimsuit!! I don't really look good in it, but it's tight enough to keep my belly jiggle from actually jiggling, and luckily my breasticles fit! =)

Ryan is on leave until the 21st, so we're getting some time together as a family before D-day. We don't know his exact dates of deployment yet, but we're pretty sure it'll be the first week in May =( We have 2 1/2, maybe 3 weeks left before we won't see daddy again for 7 months. Methinks that this is what my deployment plan will consist of:
Move in with Tiffany for May and half of June. Drive to Ogden, UT to spend a few days with the in-laws before completing the drive to CO to live with Grandma for probably 4 months or so. A few weeks after moving in with Grandma, Vincent and I are going to fly out to WV to visit my mama, my grandparents, my brother, and to show Vincent off to my old wards/branch =) Then about a month or 2 before Ryan comes home, I'll move back to CA to get our own apt and get everything set up so he actually has a home to come home to =) Well, my adorable son is begging to have his diaper changed, ta-ta for now! =)

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

I got to talk to the love of my life today =) He's still in 29 Palms which sucks, but at least I got to talk to him. This is the first time we've talked that Vincent has been awake, and Ryan got to hear him cry...I could tell from Ryan's voice when he said hi to his son how happy he was to be able to hear Vincent. We didn't get to talk for long, just long enough for me to tell him how deathly ill I've been, and how nice everyone at church has been, especially Lynnette, my visiting teacher =) He gets to take 2 weeks off soon after he gets home, and I can't wait to spend that time with him and Vincent! When we were saying goodbye and I love you and all that good stuff, it reminded me of when we were dating and talked on the phone every night for hours on end...when we were still giddy and nervous and shy...I liked being giddy again =)

I realized today as I was trying to get Vincent to take a nap how blessed I really am to have him in my life. I knew having a baby was a blessing and a privilege, and I knew/felt that after he was born, but with the loss of sleep, the pain, and the loss of sleep, I kind of forgot that. Now I'm sick, exhausted, and missing a husband, but I have a baby. A child that loves me, a child that chose me about 11 months ago to be his mother here on Earth. I love Heavenly Father sooo much for giving me this opportunity, for showing me that He has enough faith in me to trust me with His son. I know I need to do my best to teach Vincent everything I know, raise him in the Gospel so he can have the knowledge to once again return to Heavenly Father. I may not be the perfect example of what to do, but the things I have done, whether they be right or wrong, give me experience so that I can teach my son to learn from what I've done. I know he'll make his own mistakes, and I plan on allowing him to make them...not everyone can learn everything from others' mistakes. I just hope I can teach him to try to make the right choices, so that one day he can meet a beautiful young woman and be sealed to her as I was to Ryan. That was and still is one of the best things I have ever done in my life (next to having a baby with the one I love). Ryan and I may disagree on some things, and I can be a bit controlling (ok, a lot controlling) which causes a few heated discussions occasionally, but I am so happy with my life and where I am right now, and it all started with being sealed in the Temple. I want the same happiness for my son, and it's mine and Ryan's job to ensure that he has enough knowledge to make the decision if he wants to be sealed or not. Enough rambling, I have to get to sleep while I can...my little blessing only sleeps for so long =) I do love my life. I love my family, I love my friends, and most importantly, I love myself.

Advice for moms to be =)

Having a baby is definitely a different experience! I'm not gonna tell you all the bad things 'cause I'm sure you've heard it all before from people who don't think you're ready or people who don't think you know what having a newborn means...like the fact that you're gonna be tired...really? Who'da thunk it?! I want to offer positive encouragement and advice =) It's kind of a "what I wish I'd known/advice I found very helpful" list.

-While you're in the hospital it's ok to let the nurse take the baby between feedings. It doesn't make you a bad mom, just a tired one.
-If they offer you stronger pain killers (after you have the baby) aside from the ibuprofen they'll probably give you, take it if you need it! Don't try to tough it out, it'll just make you more irritable and tired. My dr. prescribed Vicodin for me while I was in the hospital, and I was afraid to ask for it 'cause I didn't want to seem like a druggie or anything. I suffered til the 2nd night I was in the hospital when the night nurse offered it and I took it...I was pain free and happy within 10 minutes! (It also helps with nipple pain if you're breastfeeding...Vincent latched on wrong and bruised mine...)
-When you get home, don't worry about the household chores, seriously! I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's important advice! Once Ryan's mom left I ignored that advice and tried to do it all...not a good idea! I'm still having trouble with that one, with Ryan being on pre-deployment training for a month, I'm the only one home to be able to do the chores AND take care of the baby.
-Tell your husband to get his rest too. There are going to be random times where you really are just too exhausted to hold your baby anymore, and he's going to have to take him from you. Don't be the mean kind of wife that makes their husband be awake every feeding just because you're awake =) If it's time for him to eat and you're exclusively breastfeeding (not pumping either), and you hit that point of exhaustion, it's ok for him to cry while you lay down for a couple minutes.
-I strongly suggest pumping every once in awhile (if you plan on breastfeeding) just to have some milk stored up just in case you need to leave him with your husband or a babysitter, otherwise they'll get to deal with a hungry, constantly screaming baby. And try to get him used to taking both the bottle and the boob...some babies don't like the fake nipple so it may take a few tries. (I use Breastflow bottles by the First Years...the nipple is supposed to function more like a real one so they have to exert the same amount of energy to get the milk out. They came with my pump and I love them!)
-Lactating is a pain in the butt. For about the 1st week I suggest using washcloths instead on nursing pads. Or a pad and washcloth together. I super overproduced in the beginning, and in between feedings (about every 1-2hrs), I would leak through my pad, bra, shirt, and soak the bed. I went through a lot of clothing before deciding to use washcloths. You may get lucky and produce just enough, but take precautions =) It's been 3 weeks and I still overproduce, just not to the point of leaking through everything every 2 hrs.
-A Boppy is not necessary. I used it for about a week once we got home. It started becoming too much of a hassle to have to remember to grab it, it was always cold on my bare stomach, and it was 5-10 more seconds of hearing a crying, hungry baby. I sit on my bed with one (or both) legs bent and use my leg to rest my arm on.
-When people say "I'm here if you need anything," they typically mean it. (Unless it's that annoying relative or "friend" that you know is just saying it 'cause they know it's what they're supposed to say.) So if you ever need an extra nap or just time to yourself for an hr or 2, call one of those people up and say "Hey, can you watch my baby for a couple hours before I pass out on him?"
-Hopefully you have a good relationship with the people at church, at least your visiting teacher, home teacher, and Relief Society President. Those 3-4 people are the biggest lifesavers on the planet! They'll typically make you food the first week (if you ask for it or make sure you tell them which day to bring it if they offer), they'll either watch your baby or find someone else to watch your baby when you need it, and they're nice to vent to when you want to complain about how tired you are and how many diapers you had to change the night before =)

I cried every night for the first week. I was tired, in pain, had no time for myself...if I saw a pregnant woman on tv or even all my preggo friends' pictures, I got a scared feeling and wanted to warn them that there was really a baby in there and that they don't know what they're getting themselves into. I felt like a horrible mom 'cause I was afraid of my own child...feedings were hell and when I heard him cry 'cause he was hungry I wanted to run away 'cause my nipples hurt so bad. Sister DeCato (Lyn), Chase, and Chase's now wife Shelby were all staying at our house and it was very overwhelming. Lyn doesn't talk quietly (you know how those Filipino women are!), and Chase doesn't know the meaning of quiet in general. So even if I tried to sleep when Vincent was sleeping, I couldn't. Either because they kept me up, or they woke him up. I was too mean to tell people to shutup =) After the first week, everything starts to fall into place. If you have a decently easy labor and delivery like I did, you'll be pretty much healed up (at least to the point that your hoo-hah doesn't really hurt anymore), your milk production won't be so crazy (even though that will still take a little longer to really even itself out), and you'll realize by that point that it's really ok for him to cry =) Everyone kept telling me that it would get better and soon I wouldn't be so tired...etc, but I didn't believe them, mostly 'cause they were all "old" and hadn't dealt with a newborn in 20-30 years...I thought they couldn't remember that it had actually taken them like, 3 months to get better. But they were right (coming from someone who just had a baby)...each day feels like it drags on, but soon enough the first week is over and you're better. Not 100%, just better =)

Can you say procrastination?!

So...it's been about 9 months since my last blog...I completely forgot I had created one until my awesome friend Alyssa reminded me! =) A lot has happened since my last depressing blog! Let me back up just a few months =)

In the middle of May I started getting super hungry all the time and everyone was joking that I might be pregnant. Well, turns out I was! I went to the naval hospital for my official test on May 18th and I was 4 weeks pregnant! I still don't think it's completely hit us that we're about to have a baby! I would repeat it to myself and Ryan in those first few weeks and get excited about it, but it never really hit us. Over the next few months we had a couple ultrasounds and dr appointments, and around the time we found out it was a BOY, it was discovered that I had Placenta Previa. PP is where the placenta covers the cervix partially or completely. Luckily mine was only a partial pp and as the baby grew, the placenta moved away from the cervix and now we're ok!
In October we moved out of our friends' house and into our own apt. It's a little 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom place and it's a good size for us. Boo Boo (our doggy) took a little bit to get used to it, but now he knows it's his domain and he protects it as much as his little self can! After a little over a year of marriage we still don't have any matching furniture, but we're humble and appreciate the fact that everything we have we either got for free or cheap! All the pretty things will come in due time! (Like when hubby decides to career it and becomes an officer and makes bank! jk)
Now we're playing the waiting game. Vincent Allan DeCato is due on January 26th, 2011. We have a week from tomorrow and he's still not showing any signs of being ready to come out! The dr said today that I'm 2cm dilated, my cervix is almost thinned out, he hasn't dropped fully into the birth canal, and he's estimated to be about 7lbs 1oz as of today. Meaning he'll probably end up being between 7.5 and 8.5lbs depending on when his little butt decides to introduce himself! As long as he comes after the 20th we'll be ok...I have an appt. at the DMV to become an official CA driver! If I don't renew my license now it'll end up expiring and I'll have to take the actual driver's test again! Well, hopefully it's not another 9 months before I blog again! I'll try to make it once a week until Vincent gets here, and at least once a month after he's here! No promises on any of that! =)

Miscarriage

On December 16, 2009 I had a miscarriage. I had known for a few weeks that I was pregnant, and I was soooo excited! I was incredibly upset when I lost my baby, no matter what people tried to say or do I just couldn't pull myself out of the depression I had fallen into. I felt selfish for keeping everyone else in a not so happy mood, so I kind of buried my pain and no longer allowed myself to deal with what I had gone through. Well, one of the ladies I babysit for had a baby on Thursday and it brought all those feelings back. I am supposed to be the one having a baby in 3 months. I had a due date! July 29th. I was supposed to be a mommy. And "spontaneously" I had lost my baby, making me feel like my dream of being a mommy was down the drain forever. I don't feel as though I can be happy if I do get pregnant again because I'll always be afraid that I will lose my baby again. I was talking with my husband about it last night, and I had an epiphany. I lost sooo much more than just a baby in December, I lost my faith in God, in my reason for living, and in my ability to make my husband happy. Why would God allow me to get pregnant then take my child away from me?! If I can't have children, what's the point in me being here?! If I can't bear children for my husband, why would he want to be married to me?! People tried to tell me maybe I wasn't ready to have children and that's why it happened. That's one of the reasons I began to lose my faith in God. If I wasn't ready, why would he allow me to get pregnant in the first place? There are so many girls and women that don't even want children and they still get to have children. Ryan (my husband) tried to point out that maybe it's to teach them a lesson the hard way, such as the unmarried teenagers that have children. But what about the women that are raped? Why would God let them become pregnant with their attackers child? If that woman chooses not to keep the child because they can't stand to be reminded, and they give the child up for adoption, where's the justice in that?! There are so many unclaimed children that don't get a chance until they're out of the system, and some are even so far gone and don't care anymore that they turn to drugs or something else that's not good for them because they don't know any better, and they may not make it back to the Celestial kingdom because God allowed a woman to become pregnant at a time that wasn't right for her with a child/spirit that she wasn't meant to keep. So how come someone like me, that wants sooo bad to have a child, can't keep her baby alive long enough to see what gender it would've been?! So you can't tell me it's because I wasn't ready for a child if other people we KNOW aren't ready for a baby get to have them. Even people that don't deserve them! Watching 16 and pregnant kills me! They don't understand that they are lucky enough to be responsible for a life other than their own! I feel as though if I'm not supposed to have my own children, what's the point? Why would God give me such a desire to get pregnant and go through that whole process, then torture me by not allowing me to do exactly that? I understand that with adoption you can feel the same love for that child as you would with a child that kicked your bladder for 9 months, but I want to be kicked in my bladder, and my ribs, and my stomach! I just don't want to feel resentment towards children I may adopt, because I had to settle for them and not someone made with MY love, and MY blood. (and my husband's of course) On the other hand though, I know that the children I may adopt are in my life for a reason. Just as my little brothers and sister were adopted...Caleb, Mya, Hayden, and Mikey. I've learned from all of them, and have been blessed to have them all in my life. So I know that adoption is a wonderful process, and I don't resent them for having been adopted, I just don't know if it will be different with it being my own adopted child. I also don't know for sure that I can't have children, 'cause plenty of women can have 1 or 2 miscarriages then have a healthy baby right after that, I just don't want to have to go through 13 miscarriages before I decide to adopt. I don't think I could handle it. I can't even handle this one. I know I need to start getting back into church to gain my faith back, it's just hard to do when I resent the very Man we go to church to worship. Call it blasphemy or whatever you want, we all handle things differently and my way is to blame the only One I can besides myself, 'cause if I blame myself I'll never get through this. I find it hard to pray because I'm afraid of the answer, and I'm also afraid there won't be an aswer. I want to get a blessing, but I know it works for those who have faith that their pain will be healed, and I don't know if I have enough faith. That's enough for now, sorry!